


never caught my breath, every second i'm without you i'm a mess

by channelorange



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Genderswap, Unhealthy Relationships, girl!Liam - Freeform, girl!Zayn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-28
Updated: 2012-09-28
Packaged: 2017-11-15 05:28:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/523662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/channelorange/pseuds/channelorange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>it was their fault for getting involved with each other, but there's some sort of magnet between them. even though their personalities blend together quite well, they also clash in the worst possible way.</i>
</p>
<p>or, where zayn and louis just shouldn't be together, but they can't help it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	never caught my breath, every second i'm without you i'm a mess

**Author's Note:**

> \- this wasn't supposed to be as long as it is. i wanted to write a few k, but it ended up being over 7k, so there's that.  
> \- this is the typical high school-emotion-like relationship of two people who really shouldn't be dating, that keep breaking up and making up, but they always end up in the same spot they started in.  
> \- there is a bit of bad-mouthing eleanor, but i do NOT HAVE ANY QUALMS WITH HER. this is solely for the story.  
> \- this is set during the vmas, so recently, i suppose.  
> \- this hasn't been checked over, really. i've read it over a few times, but nothing official. i apologize in advance for any errors.  
> \- there are outfits described in this for zayn and liam, which i will post links to at the end if you'd like to see a visual. niall, louis and harry's outfits are the same as they were at the vmas.  
> \- i hope you guys enjoy it!

they're destructive.

the rest of the band can't understand how they possibly stay together. they fight constantly, and when they're not fighting, their lips are locked. it can't possibly be healthy, and because liam is the worry-wart of the group, she's always the one that ends up comforting zayn. she has a calming aura about her that relaxes zayn, but she's still on edge.

louis ends up going out somewhere with harry and niall, getting piss drunk and saying how terrible of a girlfriend zayn is. the guys sympathize, but they know what'll happen tomorrow or in a week's time. for now, they let louis talk and talk, but they never tell zayn what he says- that'll just end up bad for all of them.

the last time things were going really well was about two or three weeks ago. it lasted four months and harry, liam and niall thought, _maybe this is it, maybe they've realized their fights get them nowhere and to try to avoid them at all costs_. things never happen that way, and it's just the mere thought of an easier life that jinxed them, because a few weeks later, it was the one direction version of world war three.

zayn didn't want to go out, claimed that she was tired and tried her best to convince louis to stay in with her. sometimes it works, but it mostly never does, because he said he was only going to be having a few drinks and then he would be back in two hours, tops. recently, he was sticking to his word. this time, though, it was different.

she stayed at the hotel with liam and watched whatever films were on. trying her hardest to stay awake, she made coffee and had the lights on in the room to make the urge of sleep lessen. but then it was two hours since louis left, then three, then four, then five, and so on. liam fell asleep on the couch and zayn was on her laptop, trying to mindlessly entertain herself until her boyfriend gets back.

she went on twitter to find some more distractions, maybe tweet to some fans and be more interactive, like liam always tells her to do. zayn went to her mentions and froze, seeing fans tagging her in a retweet from one of louis' ex-girlfriends. and, well, because zayn's a masochist, she followed the tweet to the original post and read it, anger flaring up in her body.

_Soooo good to see this face again!! Missed it way too much! xx @Louis_Tomlinson instagr.am/p/RTKdfrtgy4_

some filtered bullshit with louis' arm wrapped tightly around her waist with a grand ol' smile on his face. his other hand is holding a drink and his eyes are glossed over, but zayn knew what he was doing. she knew that he wanted to start something between them, because everything was going too goddamn well, and they can't have that, can they? no, they need to be the couple that breaks up and makes up every week, as if their lives aren't hectic enough.

when louis got back from wherever the hell he was, zayn was still awake and the sun was about to come up. he stumbled into the hotel room and when he saw liam sleeping on the couch, he shushed himself. louis managed to drag himself onto the bed next to zayn, dropping himself down like a dead body except for the fact that he was trying to grab whatever he could of his (soon to be ex) girlfriend.

"how was your night?" zayn questioned, her voice flat. whenever she speaks like that, louis knows better. he always knows better. but at this point, he was pissed and couldn't give a damn.

"fantastic," he mumbled against her shoulder. "saw some people. was fun."

zayn was quick to react, never being the kind of person to waste time. "glad you had fun. why don't you go have some more fuckin' fun with your ex-girlfriend at the club, yeah?"

groaning, louis pulled his hands off of zayn to lie flat on his back. "don't do this bullshit now, zayn, it's too early. let's sleep."

"how about _you_ not doing this bullshit to _me_ ," zayn hissed. "you're a piece of shit, tomlinson. you really are. now, if you would be so kind as to get the fuck out of my room."

he tried not to throw himself up onto his feet when he looked at zayn, but he knew he had to get back up eventually. no fight is a real fight without standing and shouting at one another. "i'm a piece of shit? okay, great. tell that to all the blokes you've been texting and thinking that i won't find out, zayn. you're not as goddamn smooth as you look." even though he couldn't stand up straight, he knew how to argue with his girlfriend. he could do this shit in his sleep.

"can you get out of my face? i'm getting physically sick with you being here," zayn said nonchalantly, not bothering to look his way.

" _gladly_. maybe i'll go back out, call eleanor to meet up. god knows i need a new girlfriend," louis said cheerily, bitterly, and zayn felt her stomach drop.

"fuck. you." she got up from the bed and walked right past louis to the door, yanking it open. "get the fuck out, louis." her voice stayed even, although she could feel the welling in her throat.

he bowed, a cheeky grin on his face as he strolled over. "don't mind if i do. have a fantastic night touching yourself, darling." he saluted her, shot her the middle finger, and walked out of the room.

the slam of the door shutting woke liam up from the couch, making her shoot up from where she was lying. zayn was still standing in place near the door, taking deep breaths to try and calm herself. liam got up and walked over to her and as soon as she placed a hand on zayn's shoulder, the girl broke down and began to bawl. she dropped down to her knees and covered her face, sobbing into her hands. liam kneeled down as well, wrapping her arms around zayn and shushing her soothingly while they rocked back and forth.

that was the last time they spoke to each other willingly. whenever they have to interact, it's mostly for interviews, the public, anything that is band related. other than that, they hardly glance at each other. it puts the rest of the band in an extremely awkward situation, not knowing where they stand with the two of them. as much as liam loves zayn, she's always afraid that she'll be cross with her whenever she talks to louis. as for harry and niall, they make small conversation with zayn. most of the time they alternate- one of them talks to zayn while the other stays around louis- but it still puts a lot of stress on the band as a whole.

in the back of both zayn and louis' mind, they know that they can't keep this going for long. it hurts the band, it hurts their friends, and they can't afford to lose all of these things because really, it's all they have. it was their fault for getting involved with each other, but there's some sort of magnet between them. even though their personalities blend together quite well, they also clash in the worst possible way. they know that one of the reasons that they sort their shit out and get back together is because of the band. they have to get along, not only for harry, liam and niall, but for themselves if they want to remain where they are.

at this point, they can't be just friends. it's impossible. they've come too far and done too much to go back to what they used to be. they love each other too much for things to be normal. as much as they argue and yell and shove (it definitely gets physical- zayn eggs him on, pushes him first, but she's not like every other girl. she won't shove him and be surprised when he shoves back), they come back together just as fast as they fought.

another thing that keeps them going back to each other is the fact that the public knows that they're dating. because they're both wild, spontaneous, and don't care what other people think, they could hardly keep their hands off of each other when they started dating, so the public found out immediately and plastered it everywhere. of course there were nasty things said, like _what about the risks they're taking, being a couple while contractually working together?_ they say in interview after interview that they won't let their relationship affect the band, that they know when it's time to work and they're determined to make this all work.

it affects the band, just not publicly. whenever their relationship is brought up during interviews, asking how they're doing, they always say that everything is okay, whether they're together or not. sometimes they'll gush about each other (when things are really, really good) and other times they'll make it short, simple and (bitter)sweet (when things are really, really bad). while no one really knows the difference in the media, the rest of the band does. it sucks having to lie to the press, to anyone- liam hates it the most, feels the guilt in her stomach, and ends up pouting for a few hours until zayn gives her some cuddles- but they know that this is their job and they have nothing else but each other.

it's the day of the vmas and both zayn and liam are sitting in chairs, getting their hair done. the boys are already done, waiting by the door that leads to their car that'll drive them to the staples center. the girls are dressed and their make-up is done, so this is the last thing on their list before they go.

"hey, zed," liam says, glancing over at zayn. she's mindlessly texting on her phone, but looks over at liam when she hears the nickname. "are you and louis okay? like, have you guys talked?"

she takes a deep breath and puts down her phone. zayn lets the hairdresser turn her head straight forward while she curls the back. "we're okay, i guess. i dunno. we haven't talked or anything." zayn just shrugs and looks at liam from the corner of her eye. "why?"

liam shrugs too, reaching up to push some of her hair out of her eyes. "just wondering. making sure you're okay."

"you know i'm okay, leemo," she says, reaching over and putting her hand on liam's thigh for a light squeeze. "and you know if i wasn't, then i would tell you, yeah?"

smiling a little bit, liam puts her hand over zayn's and returns the squeeze. "i know, yeah. i just worry about it all."

and this is what zayn hates, she hates having to put her bandmates through all of this trouble just because she and her (current ex) boyfriend butt heads like no tomorrow. they're both stubborn as anything, they almost never agree on the same things, and zayn truly wonders how they ended up together in the first place.

"i'm sorry i make you worry," she frowns, biting her bottom lip. "i'll... i'll talk to louis tonight, okay? whenever we get a proper minute, i'll tell him we need to talk and sort it all out."

liam's smile widens and she nods. "okay. i mean, if you're not ready to speak with him, zayn, you don't have to. i just want you to be okay, and so do harry and niall. and we all want louis to be okay as well."

"oh, he's fine. he's a boy, they get over these things quickly." she picks up her phone when she feels it vibrate in her lap. louis' name pops up on the front screen, a heart and an 'x' for a kiss next to it, with a text message below. _u girls done yet?? we're already sweating in our clothes and we havent even left_

_just about. finishin up the hair and we'll b out_ , she texts back. when she looks up, the hairdresser is gently running her fingers through her hair up top, giving it a bit of volume. "great, you're all done," she tells them. she takes a step to the left to do the same to liam's hair. "awesome. okay girls, you're good to go."

"thank you," the girls say in unison, pushing themselves up and off of the chairs. their wristlets are on the vanity table in front of them and they snag them, but before they go, zayn stops liam. "wait, let's take a picture," she grins, opening the camera on her iphone.

liam giggles. "now? people will be taking thousands of pictures of us in a few minutes." she brushes off her teal blue dress and pushes some of her hair behind her left shoulder.

"yes, now. we look sexy as hell, li." she flips the camera to face the mirror in front of them and wraps her arm around liam's waist to pull her close. "now put a smile on that perfect face."

she does, she smiles for zayn and zayn smiles for her as she takes the picture of the two of them completely dressed up for the show. paul comes in when he finds out that they're ready and leads them to where the boys are. their heels click in the hallway while they walk, zayn uploading and filtering the picture on instagram of her and liam. _Soo ready for our first ever vmas!!! @Real_Liam_Payne lookin fantastic as always :) x_

when they finally reach the boys, zayn tries to hold back the hitch in her breath. after practically two years of being attached to louis' hip, she still gets taken back when he's dressed up for whatever reason. he's wearing black slacks with a dark red v-neck and a blazer (the red of his shirt that so happens to match the dark red heels that zayn is wearing). his hair is pushed up and back in a quiff and his blue eyes shine more than ever.

when louis' eyes finally fall on zayn, he has just about the same reaction to seeing her as she did to seeing him. her dress is certainly sexy, but not in a flashy or overbearing way. the top of her dress is like a tank top, black and covered in sequins (that expose the two tattoos on her collarbones), but there's a cut out on the sides where the curve of her waist begins. there's a white banded waist and the bottoms turns into a flowy, chiffon-style skirt that's also black. when she turns around to say something to liam, louis can see that the dress ties up in the middle of her back (which has been put into a lovely bow). her hair is down, the blonde ombre style quite visible on the ends of her locks while they fall on her shoulders. the dark red of her heels match the color of his shirt, and they hadn't planned this, but it feels a little bit like fate, if louis had to call it something.

as paul begins to pile them into the car, louis puts a light hand on zayn's back, his fingertips brushing the skin he's touched so many times. "you look stunning, zayn," he says softly.

she looks up at him through her eyelashes, her make-up making her hazel eyes pop out, as a smile tugs from the corner of her mouth. "thanks, louis. you look very handsome, too."

he smiles back and continues to smile as they get into the car and continue towards the staples center.

their nerves are getting the best of them, mostly liam, but they're all fairly nervous. this is their first ever vma, they're nominated for three awards, and they're about to step foot into what probably feels like a whole new world. zayn's fingers begin to tap away on her knee, something she always does when she's anxious (or needs a cigarette- she could _definitely_ go for a cigarette right about now).

he doesn't really think about it when he does it, it's just something he's always done when zayn gets like this. louis slips his hand under zayn's and curls his fingers in between hers before squeezing. her head shoots up to look at him, her heart pounding heavily in her chest. he doesn't say anything, though, just squeezes her hand once more and turns to talk to niall about all of the american celebrities they might meet.

louis knows that she has so many questions. he can feel her eyes on him and he knows what they're silently asking. _what's going on? are we okay? why are you doing this? is this just for the cameras? why do we do this to ourselves?_ they're all questions that have been asked before, at least three times, and sometimes louis just doesn't have the answer to them. he just tries to _be_ , and he wishes that zayn could do the same thing. sometimes she can, and those are when things are really good. most of the time, though, she just can't.

they pull up to the entrance and the most they can remember are screaming fans and flashing lights. there's a lot of posing, smiling, but very little talking, which they're all quite alright with. they feel overwhelmed, all of them, and they can sense it on each other. they huddle closer than usual when they walk together and never let anyone stray to do an interview alone, even if it only lasts ten seconds. they're better off sticking together.

zayn is talking to someone from e! news while louis and liam are talking to someone from vh1 right next to her. they're mostly standard questions, _are you nervous? how do you like this all so far? is it weird? are you nervous? i bet you're nervous, right? it's okay to feel nervous_ , which certainly don't help zayn's slightly shaky hands as she answers the best she can.

suddenly the topic switches and zayn truly wasn't expecting any questions about this. "so are you and louis tomlinson still dating? how are things going with the two of you?" the reporter asks quickly.

zayn responds automatically because she's done this over a hundred times, sometimes more sincere than others. "yes, we are, and yes, we're doing fantastic." she adds a smile to the end just in case some crazed fan girl wants to analyis their relationship piece by piece.

"oi, did i hear my name over here?" louis questions, sidling up to zayn and putting his arm around her waist. his fingertips continuously brush against her bare skin and she involuntarily gets the chills. "you talking about me, malik?"

"nothing but good things," zayn says playfully, nudging his hip with her own. when she looks at him, she gets that taken back feeling again. his eyes look even more blue than before they left, he's genuinely smiling (zayn's been with the bloke long enough to know when he's really smiling and when he's not), and he's kind of glowing in the lights surrounding.

"sounds good, babe." he leans over and presses a kiss to her forehead, making the photographers go ape shit with screaming demands. "we've got to get going, but it was fantastic talking to you," louis says politely, because louis was never polite until he started dating zayn, and things certainly change.

they continue to walk down the red carpet while cameras continue to flash in their faces. no matter how many events they go to, no matter how many people are screaming their names, they never fully get used to it. it all feels surreal, but it's always a good feeling.

they're escorted inside to where their seats are since the show is beginning soon. although they've been rehearsing for a good amount of time in the past few days, it's still a nervewracking feeling to be performing at the vmas. they've never done a performance like this before, so they have no idea what to expect. their nerves come back and zayn really, really wishes she could go for a smoke.

katy perry stands on the stage and reads off the nominations for best pop video. immediately, zayn reaches for louis' hand, entwining their fingers and gripping tightly. his hold is just as strong as they stare up at the stage, their hearts feeling like they're about to beat out of their chests.

"and the vma for best pop video goes to," she begins, reaching down to open the envelope and read, "one direction."

niall throws himself out of his seat while the rest of them stand up and scream. they move together in a group hug and cling to each other, in utter shock that this just actually happened and this is their life. zayn feels like she's floating as they walk towards the stage, her feet automatically moving while she follows her bandmates.

they get up there and politely give kisses to katy (niall and harry smacking one on the lips, of course) and niall takes over the mic while the rest of them stand there in awe. the surreal feeling comes back again, and zayn stands there grinning proudly at the rest of her band. she looks at louis at the same time he looks at her and he's grinning as well, his face completely filled with happiness.

as they begin to walk off of the stage and to the back since they have to change for their performance and hand off their award for save keeping, zayn feels someone grab her hand. she knows it's louis- she knows what his hand feels like, knows which way he likes to hold her hand- and she simply tightens the grip and continues forward. 

they're back in their seats in performance ready outfits and zoe saldana has just introduced frank ocean. zayn sits up in her seat, leaning forward excitedly. "now we get to see zayn's lady boner for frank ocean," niall says over the clapping with a grin, and zayn reaches over liam's lap to punch his thigh.

while he sings, zayn feels louis' arm go around the back of her chair as his fingertips fall on her left arm. they slide against her skin with light movements while she watches frank sing. slowly, she leans back into her chair, into louis' arm, and he properly puts his arm around her and tugs her a bit closer to him. as the song comes to an end and she's clapping, she feels a breath against her ear as louis whispers, "i'm sorry, love."

she turns to look at him and she can see in his face that he is sorry. she's seen this face before. zayn's sorry too, and he probably knows this already, but that isn't the point of this all anymore. the point is that they're destructive, they have the ability to completely ruin each other, and that's what zayn wants to fix. she leans over to his ear while the crowd becomes louder and whispers, "we still need to talk about this all, lou."

now he looks sorry and sad, but he nods anyway because he knows that she's right. as many hurtful words that they throw at each other, they wouldn't keep getting back together if they weren't really in love. there's something there, there's _always_ been something there, and they know that if there wasn't or if someone didn't feel the same anymore, then it would all be over. but that's why they keep going back to each other- there's that magnet, some sort of force that makes louis grab her hand or zayn lean into his touch. it can all be quite painful, but they never stop.

their song is a big blur, but they know that they _killed_ the stage. half of the time, zayn couldn't even hear what she was singing because of all the screaming. she remembers the look on her bandmates' faces, their voices better than ever, and the tight embrace they were in when they finished their very first vmas performance.

they're back in their seats as they watch the rest of the show, waiting patiently for the final award that they're nominated for. simply winning one before the vmas officially started is more than enough, but they had also won best pop video, and even if they don't win best new artist, the experience they've had has been more than they bargained for.

as they watch green day perform- which is also yet another surreal moment in their lives- zayn feels louis' arm go around her shoulders once more. this time she doesn't hesitate, simply reaches over and puts her hand on his thigh. her thumb sweeps against his jeans while his thumb dips under her blazer and rubs against the junction between her shoulderblade and her neck.

liam gently nudges her, causing zayn to look her way. her bandmate leans over and whispers, "everything okay, i'm guessing?"

zayn shrugs, but gives liam a smile anyway. "it's okay. still haven't spoken about it, though, but we will. told him we have to."

"just want you to be happy, love," liam tells her.

zayn can't help but grin, reaching up to hold liam's head still while she plants a kiss on her cheek. "i know, and that's why i love you the most."

"should i tell louis that, then?" liam questions, grinning as well.

"absolutely," zayn nods, causing liam to giggle.

ke$ha and wiz khalifa are on stage, and everyone is crossing their fingers. "and now, the vma for best new artist goes to... one direction." and nothing feels real, nothing at all, but niall shoots up from his seat again, zayn, louis and harry get up and liam sits there in awe for a moment. when she finally stands and zayn goes to hug her, niall throws them together before shoving them all into another group hug.

they go through the crowd and make it to the stage after the run through of cheers and high fives. they shake hands and hug both ke$ha and wiz, and someone hands zayn the microphone first while louis holds the award. she tries to pass the mic to harry, but he nods to her, letting her keep it. she takes a deep breath and looks louis' way, and he's already looking at her. he gives her a slight nod and she returns it before speaking. "so, i guess we would just like to say a _massive_ thank you to each and every single one of you in here tonight," she starts. "and, also, to all of our fans, friends, family, and... also the people that worked on this day, they are backstage, our crew, we have an amazing crew. we have so many people to thank so i'm gonna pass it to harry." she's always afraid of talking too much, so she passes the microphone to harry with shaky hands and takes another deep breath. louis nods to her again, a smile tugging on the corner of his lips, and she returns it.

"to win one moon man is amazing, to win two is incredible, and to perform is absolutely ridiculous," harry says. "so thank you so much for having us, thank you _everyone_ on our team. thank you, we love you _so_ much. thank you."

when they go backstage, it finally hits them all that this is real, this all really happened, and niall pulls them into one more group hug. their heads are ducked down together and their holds are tight. "i love you guys so much," niall mumbles, but loud enough for the rest of them to hear. "i wouldn't be here if it weren't for you lot, and i just love you so much."

it all hits zayn at once and she starts to cry tears of joy. he's right- they wouldn't be where they are today, at this very moment, if it weren't for each other. if it wasn't for liam straightening them out and putting them to work when they need to, if it wasn't for harry goofing off and saying the silliest things, if it wasn't for niall singing and playing the guitar just for fun, if it wasn't for louis making everybody laugh and loving unconditionally, zayn wouldn't be standing backstage at the vmas living her dream.

they all hug each other individually and when zayn gets to louis, she doesn't want to let go. her arms are locked around him as her face is buried in his neck. his arms are tight around her as well, fingernails digging into her sides. she breathes in his scent, some of her favorite cologne that he wears and a little touch or something that's just louis that she loves so much.

when they finally let go, zayn looks at him with wet eyes and a wide smile. he's smiling too as he reaches up and gently wipes her tears from her cheeks and under her eyes. they don't say anything about the big picture- right now, they just want to enjoy this little moment for them, for the band, for everything they've worked for.

the show's just about over and their crew is arranging where they're going to go for the after party. they're all standing around and chatting, both niall and harry excitedly talking about who they're going to see at the parties and liam trying to make them promise not to get extremely pissed (which is a fruitless attempt on liam's behalf, but at least she's trying).

louis ducks down, his mouth against zayn's ear when he whispers, "do you just want to go back to the hotel?"

zayn tilts her head up as her eyes meet louis' blues. "you don't want to go to the parties?" she questions. she's only asking not because she's particularly fond of going (liam has rubbed off on her so much- zayn has learned to appreciate sleep much more now that she's not out drinking all night, all while not getting those looks from mommy direction), but she knows that louis _always_ goes to these parties.

he shrugs, not breaking eye contact. "i'm sure they'll no different than any other celebrity party. besides, i thought you wanted to talk, so i figured, you know."

she raises a suspicious eyebrow. "are you positive? we can go, if you'd like."

"nah, rather not." zayn tries to look for anything different in louis to see if he's lying- she's known him for years, she can tell when he's lying- but she can't find anything. his face looks truthful and the smile he gives her when he grabs her hand and laces their fingers together seems real, too. "mates," he says to get the rest of the band's attention. "zayn and i are going to head back to the hotel, go on without us."

if zayn wasn't so weary about this situation as she is, she would be cracking up at the reactions she's seeing. harry and niall's faces are crumbling, to be quite honest, and liam's eyebrows look as if they're going to shoot off of her face. " _what_? you're not coming with us?!" niall whines.

louis laughs but shakes his head, slightly swinging his and zayn's arm back and forth. "we're going to stay in for the night. have fun for us, though."

both niall and harry know better than to argue with this because they notice that zayn and louis are communicating again and they'll try to get those moments for as long as they can before the next world war breaks out. everyone exchanges hugs once more, liam and zayn lingering for a bit longer than the rest, before paul escorts them to a car that'll take them back to the hotel (he's on club duty tonight).

the ride back is quiet, but it's comfortable. zayn is resting her head on louis' shoulder and his head is resting on top of hers. they each have a hand on each other's thigh, rubbing soothingly, and zayn is close to falling asleep.

louis wakes her up when they arrive and there are few fans and paps outside of the hotel, but they simply wave and say hello to who they can before they're bustled inside. they get up to their floor and zayn yawns, starting to pull her room key out of her wristlet when they walk up to her and liam's room. "let me change into pjs and i'll be there, yeah?"

louis nods and leans over, kissing zayn's forehead before walking further down to go into his own room. zayn tries to make it quick when she starts to get changed, practically having to peel off her jeans as she tosses that, her blazer, tank top and shoes somewhere in the room. she pulls her hair up in a loose ponytail, takes off her make-up and takes out her contacts, and slides into black and white animal print boy shorts and an oversized flannel sleep shirt. after she puts on her glasses, she grabs her room key just in case this talk doesn't go as well as she hopes. she doesn't know when liam's coming back, but she doesn't want to wake her up if zayn wants to come back to her room.

when zayn opens her door, she looks up and down the hallway to make sure the coast is clear. she walks on light feet when she walks towards louis' room, knocking gently.

"please, zayn, knock a little lighter, i could barely hear you," louis says when he opens the door. when he finally looks up at zayn, his breath hitches. "oh," he mumbles, eyes skimming down her body.

"they're just pajamas, louis, keep your wood to yourself, yeah?" zayn smirks, pushing louis playfully into his room and letting herself in.

"did you dress this way on purpose?" he questions, letting the door fall shut. his pajamas are simple- a pair of tied sweatpants and a ratty, old shirt that he's had for years that's stretching at the collar.

zayn raises her eyebrow as she sits on the edge of louis' bed. "did i purposely dress in pajamas?"

"well, no, i meant- i mean, you're not wearing... any bottoms," he awkwardly points out. zayn laughs because she knows that if they weren't fighting, if they were okay, then he wouldn't be acting this way. louis is hardly ever put in an awkward situation, but when he is, it's quite hilarious.

"lou, you know i wear things like this to bed all of the time," she says, reaching up to rub her eyes under her glasses. "but c'mon, we really have to talk. sit."

he takes a deep breath and nods, walking over and sitting next to her on his bed. he puts his hands on his legs and rubs them for a moment, looking seemingly nervous. zayn brings one of her legs up to curl under her while turning to face louis. "look," she starts, licking her lips, "we've been through this before. too many times, might i add. but... we can't keep doing this anymore."

"i know," he says.

"it's going to ruin us, it's going to ruin the band, it's going to ruin everything we've worked so hard for," she tells him.

"i know," he repeats.

"and- and it's not worth it, to keep fighting like this. why do we do it? why, when we always end up coming back to each other?" she questions, pushing some of her hair back that's fallen from her ponytail. "there's no point, but it seems as if we can never work this out."

"i know," he repeats.

zayn glares at him, her hands curling into fists. "i know that you know, louis. i get it. you know, you know, you know, and yet you did what you did."

he looks at her with shock. "oh, it's just me? i'm the only one doing the hurting, yeah? what about all these things that i keep finding out without you telling me? the phone call to those guys and you telling them how to get to the hotel, or the guy you told to come back in a half hour. it's all my fault though, right? because i'm always the one to blame."

"that's not what i'm saying, louis! i'm just- i'm saying--" zayn stops herself, though, and takes a deep, slow breath. "okay. we both haven't been truthful or faithful or whatever."

"i've never cheated on you," louis counters.

"neither have i," zayn immediately replies. "but you've got to know what makes me mad, lou, you _have_ to. you know how to hurt me and you know all the right ways to do it." louis doesn't say anything and he doesn't look at zayn either, opts on looking at his hands in his lap. "and it's not _good_ and it's not _okay_ anymore. we're ruining this, we're ruining _us_. and we were doing so good, louis, so why would you do that with eleanor? why, when you know how i feel about it all?"

"i don't know, zayn, it wasn't- i wasn't trying to purposely hurt you like that. it was just a photo, it's not like i called her to meet up with me, she was already there." louis reaches up to run his fingers through his hair, tugging on the ends. "i didn't think it would look that bad. i didn't think one photo would hurt. she was so nice when we saw each other, even after everything that happened--" after louis broke up with eleanor and began dating zayn, "--i just thought she was being friendly. i didn't know it would escalate into this, zayn, i _promise_."

she sighs and reaches up to rub her eyes again. this is hard, harder than she thought it would be, because whenever her and louis get into major fights, they simply ignore each other until they eventually gravitate back to each other, all while never talking about why they were fighting and how they could make sure it never happens again. they ignore that, too, because they don't want to point out their flaws. they know that they have flaws- their whole relationship is practically a flaw- but deep down, they're both afraid that if they point it out, bring it to light, that it'll bring them to only one ultimatum.

"what are we going to do?" zayn whispers, looking up at louis. "we can't keep doing this anymore. i'm exhausted of everything going so well for it to only be thrown back in my face."

"me too," he mumbles, looking back at her. "we just... fuck, i don't know, zayn." louis bites his bottom lip. "all i know is that, when we're really good together, then those are the happiest moments of my life, i swear. i feel like i'm on cloud nine when we're doing well."

"but when we're bad, then this happens," she states. "we break each other down until there's nothing else. we're so _destructive_ , louis. how are we supposed to stay together if one of the only things we're good at is breaking each other apart?"

he opens his mouth to say something, but ends up closing it again. he looks a bit lost for words when he lets zayn's question sink in. he knows she's right- that question alone has been stuck in the back of his head for months, and now it's being brought out for an answer. the only problem is that he doesn't have an answer, not for that. "i don't know, zayn. i just don't. i know that i love you, i know that when we're not together, i hate it, and i know that i won't be the same if we're not together." he chuckles lightly, shaking his head at himself. "that sounds so stupid and cheesy. i never thought i'd hear myself say anything like that."

"me either," zayn says, a small smile pulling at her lips. she rests her elbow on her knee and puts her chin in her hand, looking at the twenty-year-old in front of her. "you're such a sap, tommo."

he laughs again and looks at her. "you can be too, you know."

"i know." she's still smiling and watches when louis reaches over and takes her free hand in his, curling their fingers in between each other's. "i feel like we're fucked either way, yeah?"

"what do you mean?" he's not looking at her, he's looking at their hands that fit together so much better than anyone else louis has held hands with.

"we can't not be together, lou," she says. "it won't be the same between us, between the band. and i'm not saying that i don't want to be with you, because i do." his eyes skate up her wrist, to her tanned legs that disappear into the oversized shirt, up to her collarbone that's exposed, to the hair falling on her shoulders, to the face that louis fell in love with probably the moment he saw her over two years ago. "but if we're going to be together for the millionth time, we have to actually talk to each other when things feel bad, not just completely demolish any trust between us."

"i think we can do that," louis says, smirking a bit at her. "maybe."

zayn huffs, picking her head up so she can smack louis' arm. "don't get smart with me, tomlinson. kind of trying to fix our fucked up relationship, if you don't mind." she reaches over and tugs on louis' hair. "besides, you keep hogging harry and niall. they're my mates, too."

he fakes a gasp and sits up straight. "i'm hogging mates?! excuse you, but i don't think i've had more than a two minute conversation with liam in the past month!"

"because i love her most and she loves me most," zayn grins. "get used to it."

"now i'm going to have to worry about liam, yeah?" he figures that this is a good time to get closer to zayn, scooting over so their legs are touching.

"i would say yes, but liam's not the scandalous type. she feels guilty giving me a kiss on the cheek," zayn laughs, shaking her head. "i don't want to corrupt her."

"better not." louis reaches up and plays with the ends of zayn's hair that's fallen out of her ponytail. "besides, i think harry secretly wants her? or at least that's what he's told me when he's completely pissed out of his mind."

zayn hums, leaving her hand near louis' head so she can scratch the back of his neck since she knows he loves when she does that. "we'll work on their future relationship when we're able to stable out ours."

louis nods, twirling his fingers in zayn's blonde tips. he lightly tugs, making zayn look up and in his eyes. "i really want this to work, zayn," he whispers. "i promise i'll try, yeah?"

she can't help but start to grin, because it's quite rare to see louis tomlinson in a serious moment. she's seen him in several situations- when he's being goofy, when he's angry, when he's flat out sad- but this is one that she likes to think is reserved for her. a true, honest, serious louis that wants his relationship to work.

"yeah. yeah, i promise, too," she tells him.

he grins as well and doesn't hesitate to lean closer to kiss her. zayn lets out a sigh against his lips, letting her fingers curl around his neck as she returns the kiss. their lips glide together, slowly and passionately, and zayn can feel it in the way he kisses that he meant everything he said.

they're destructive, but they're working on it.

**Author's Note:**

> \- zayn's first vma outfit: [here is the front](http://www.lulus.com/index.php?main_page=popup_image_additional&pID=64090&pic=0&products_image_large_additional=xlarge/hSOs2d2193a40blkH.JPG) / [here is the back](http://www.lulus.com/index.php?main_page=popup_image_additional&pID=64090&pic=2&products_image_large_additional=xlarge/hSOs2d2193a40blkHb.JPG)  
> \- zayn's second vma outfit: [here](http://www.lulus.com/index.php?main_page=popup_image_additional&pID=52493&pic=1&products_image_large_additional=xlarge/bBBDbc32885topazBa.JPG)
> 
> \- liam's first vma outfit: [here is the front](http://www.lulus.com/index.php?main_page=popup_image_additional&pID=53143&pic=0&products_image_large_additional=xlarge/newwwhHPd11037peacockH.JPG) / [here is the back](http://www.lulus.com/index.php?main_page=popup_image_additional&pID=53143&pic=2&products_image_large_additional=xlarge/newwwhHPd11037peacockHb.JPG)  
> \- liam's second vma outfit (i know it wasn't really explained, but i just like this outfit, okay?): [here](http://www.lulus.com/index.php?main_page=popup_image_additional&pID=57258&pic=0&products_image_large_additional=xlarge/newhLHt7131offwhiteH.JPG)
> 
> \- zayn's pajamas: [oversized shirt](http://s2.thisnext.com/media/largest_dimension/439CE915.jpg) / [boy shorts](http://i01.i.aliimg.com/wsphoto/v0/562463175/Good-Quality-New-Arrival-Women-s-Sexy-Leopard-Panties-Women-Underwear-Wholesale-Women-Briefs-Brand-Underwear.jpg)
> 
> \- thank you so much for reading! :)


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